Grabbing The Wheel
This picture of Fernando Alonso flying upside down through the air at 150kmph is how I've felt in recent months.
Getting Back In Control
It's been a month since I last posted anything on my blog, and I know that while I don't have readers to "keep happy" with updates, I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up to date with my writing. It's been a bit topsy-turvy this last few months, and I think that it's important for me to log my thoughts on how things have been, considering unemployment and general misery are hurdles that most people face in their adult life at some point, and I'd like to take some net positives out of the experience.
Finding the "silver lining" has definitely been difficult since I was made redundant. I suppose the changes I've had to make to my lifestyle have been felt more accutely due to how happy and contented I was in my previous job. I was working in the games sector, I'd recently been promoted and I worked next to one of my now closest friends. Every day felt like I was moving (sometimes slowly) forwards on a career path that I set for myself while I casually worked on putting pieces of my novel together, listening to podcasts like Writing Excuses and reading "Slay The Dragon" while I worked on getting to the gym as regularly as possible and convincing myself that I was making the most of my day, which was tightly packed for maximum efficiency.
When I lost the job, not only did my financial situation suddenly become extremely tenuous, I found myself unable to focus on writing my novel, mainly due to a mixture of guilt for not having immediately found another games industry job and a general dread at the thought of "going backwards". Before this experience, losing a job hadn't felt so bad because I'd always been around the bottom rung on the ladder, but now it felt as if I'd actually lost something real and tangible, as opposed to just another low paying retail or hospitality job. It turns out that while I did end up "going backwards", it did remind me that it's incredibly important to have a goal in life, and that knowing what's worth chasing adds colour to an otherwise grey and drab working life.
I was lucky enough to be able to find some work in Bathgate, which isn't as easy as you might think. It's a relatively small town, with a few shops and bars, but the size of Bathgate makes opportunities harder to find. My morale and self-worth were in tatters at this point, as I'd been turned down for jobs that I felt I was bound to be qualified for, but at this stage I feel I maybe just wasn't right for; there's no point in sour grapes. Knowing that I'd be hammered with tax, I picked up a full-time retail job in a pawn shop and some part-time work in a bar & restaurant. I was really lucky to have been able to inform both employers that I would be actively seeking work in an environment that would help my career (ie- nerd stuff) and still receive a job offer. Most employers want a little more commitment than "I'll work here until I find something better." but they must have appreciated my honesty and within a day of handing out CVs, I had 1.5 jobs. It relieved some of the stress that was hanging over me, knowing that I'd at least be able to pay the bills, but I was more determined than ever to keep pushing for games industry jobs. I applied to agencies, I sent emails to recruitment departments at studios with speculative applications. I even built the site you're reading this blog on with the intention of finding a good job and getting back on track.
For a long time nothing came through, and while I never felt like I "gave up", I definitely allowed myself to slide into a funk which only made me feel worse. I wasn't going to the gym and I wasn't sleeping well at all (which is still the case, actually) and I made up for it by eating pretty much whatever I wanted, but with the added guilt of knowing I shouldn't. I was grumpy and lethargic, unhappy and sick. I have actually been ill more in the last three months than in the last two years, and it makes me wonder if the cause is working with the public and handling money again, or if it's my poor mental state and physical discipline that's crushing me. I kept looking and applying, sending off speculative applications and even applying to "dream jobs" with the conceit that after having had such a crappy couple of months, maybe CD Projekt Red would address the karmic balance with a writing position. Of course, this didn't happen, but I am pleased to say that I have been super lucky in finding a short contract role that is going to allow me to improve my skills, widen my experience and work in a software development studio that has a few very cool projects going that I am excited to be a part of. I have taken this job and made it the turning point for my life. I am grabbing the wheel and taking control.
I really hope to have more moments like this in the next three months
Finding The Silver Lining
So with all of the "woe is me", "regular jobs are torture" self pitying stuff out of the way, I am genuinely excited to be starting the next phase in my career. Reloaded gave me my start in game development, and my new employer "eeGeo" are working on some really cool 3D mapping technology that I am excited to learn about. On top of a new job, I'll be moving back to Perth for at least 6 months, as my new job is in Dundee; commuting distance away from my family home in "The Bronx" of Perth - Letham. Anyone who's moved away from their home town will probably have a similar mixture of feelings about the prospect of moving back. The memories of why you moved away in the first place will probably crop up, alongside a rush of nostalgia about the people and places you remember fondly. I left Perth largely because I was bored and all of my friends lived in Edinburgh or Glasgow. I currently live in Armadale in West Lothian and take a bus to work in Bathgate or Livingston's DMZ "Craigshill" so the opportunity of moving TO Perth actually offers more interesting things to do and people to see. Just the thought of being able to take my mountain bike around Perth's beautiful parks or countryside is especially appealing, as is the prospect of being able to chill in the pub for a drink or two after work with some friends I used to hang out with at the Games Workshop when we were in our teens. Knowing me and my habits, I'll probably still just want to spend most of my time sat in front of my computer; writing or playing games.
The real downside to all of this is that Kara works in Bathgate and is similarly career-minded. She has secured herself a job as a tattoo artist that she enjoys and spends a lot of her evenings working on. This means that we will be living apart for a while, as the commute from Armadale would be extortionate and would require me to be awake at around 5am, I'll wager. We are buying a new car this Friday, which I would be more excited about if I was able to drive it. The plan is for Kara to visit me as much as she can, and a new car will make it much easier and cheaper than coming up by train or relying on an old car that rattles a bit. I planned to be driving by now, but Reloaded are yet to pay up our severance pay, and after three months, my faith in their ability to come through for us is wavering. Suffice to say that any money coming in is going to be going right back out again, but isn't that always the way?
Where's The Fun?
Apologies to anyone reading this who isn't me. I know the above text is basically just an outpouring of my current mental state, but it's pretty accurate. Let's get on to the good stuff that's coming up.
Honeyversary/Annimoon In Catalonia
So Kara and I have nearly been married for a year. It's mind-boggling to consider where our lives were a year ago. The "American Dream" was definitely tarnished by the distinct lack of updates on the whole process, but we were still anticipating a big American adventure. Little did we think that a year later, we'd be living apart and working in different counties. Still, we took all of the resources we'd been saving for the states and put them into a proper holiday. We haven't been out of the country since 2014 and we wanted to go somewhere that shows an adequate level of pageantry for Halloween, to keep Kara happy. We leave for Barcelona on October 26th and we'll also be spending a little time in Girona, just a little ways up the eastern Spanish coast. Expect the blog to turn into a travel journal for that one, much as it did for our Italian trip. Kara's eating wheat again now, so hopefully we won't have such a hard time eating.
What? No Games?
I have been playing games, I promise! I started playing "Pillars Of Eternity" on my PC, as my brother had gifted it to me last Christmas. I am really enjoying it, but I won't say any more about it this time. Hopefully I'll get a chance to come back to it in the blog, as I'm really enjoying it.
That's all for this post, but if you made it this far, then thank you for reading! Stay tuned for Spanish travel stories - coming soon!